I realize water is running over part of my body. Am I naked? This would not be the first time I’ve been on a trip and ended up naked. Slowly focusing as I stare up into the sky, I can see trees, and just out of the right corner of my eye there is a bridge above. I hear the bustling of traffic as cars cross overhead. How did I get here? I try to recall the last thing I was doing…then it came to me. I was at my dealer’s house for my meth fix. But where am I now? Confusion sets in as I begin wondering how I ended up here…all at once I feel dizzy…everything goes dark.
I open my eyes as my vision slowly comes into focus; everything is dark. It must be nighttime. I try to move, but nothing is happening. What’s…what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get up? Oh god, my head hurts as it is spinning…this doesn’t make any sense. How long have I been here? I hear barking in the distance as I feel the sensation of freezing cold water flowing over my right side. It becomes unbearable. I try to let out a scream…I can hear it in my head…Why isn’t anyone reacting? The chill of the water makes me shiver. What is worse is the shiver I feel inside as it dawns on me, I’m all alone. I try to call out for help, but nothing happens. My mouth, my body, nothing is responding. My breathing becomes faster and faster as anxiety builds within me, reality hits; no one knows I am here. Worse I don’t even know where here is? I scream, but no one comes…why is this happening to me…why? No, exhaustion begins to creep in. Nooo…I must stay awake! I…I can’t…I fall back into darkness.
Opening my eyes, I am awake. Slowly I can see. It must be midday as the sun is right above me. The heat of the sun feels so good against my body as the dampness all over keeps me in a chilled state. Again, I try to vocalize words…HELP! I hear people crossing the bridge. No one hears my peels for help. Then I feel something. It is walking on my body. Oh no, what has found me lying here. I begin to fear the worse, being eaten alive by some wild animal. I panic inside unable to move. Shouting from inside, get out of here! Get out of here! I am helpless, unable to protect myself. Again, I try getting up…must get up…get up! I scream out at the top of my lungs, but nothing changes. I hear the screaming in my head so why can’t someone hear my cries for help. I continue to feel the movement as it moves up my body. Closer and closer it moves towards my head. I begin to cry…it is hopeless! I’m helpless, my body is not responding to me. As it lurks ever closer to my face, I cringe as I can finally see what has found me as it comes into focus in front of my eyes it’s…it’s a squirrel. It walks over my face then jumps to a rock just above my head. I feel myself convulsing as I cry out in pure joy while relieving myself. Oh, thank you, God, oh thank you. Crying, as the tension took a lot out of me. I feel light headed from exhaustion. I need to find help. Why is this happening to me…everything seems so hopeless, just hopeless…Ugh…I feel sick to my stomach…hurting…spinning…I scream NO…everything goes dark.
As I open my eyes, not sure what time it is? I again become aware of humanity as I hear the cars and hear people walking across the bridge. Why can’t they see me? Don’t they know I need help! Why are they not responding or coming to get me? I become angry are they that oblivious, they can’t see me lying here. Oh god…I cringe at the first pains of hunger hit me like someone kicking me hard in the stomach. My body craves something to eat. I see a cloud hovering over my head…am I hallucinating?
Then it turns into a flashback of when I was in the army. We were in the jungle pinned down by sniper fire. We could not move…it seemed like we were there forever…to survive, we drank water…Water! I need a drink of water. I need water! But I can’t move…I hear it, feel it…it is right there. All I need to do is turn my head…crying out in pure agony I continue saying, “God, please help me turn my head so that I can sip some water.” PLEASE…it’s No use, I’m…I’m paralyzed. Unable to even turn my head. My head is throbbing as I begin feeling light headed…NO, I feel myself going back under…darkness.
Eyes open, slowly I feel myself losing the battle to live. My throat hurts as it seems to be closing up. I no longer have the energy to stay awake. Reflecting back on my life I recall the feeling of being pushed aside, rejected, forgotten and now the sense of total abandonment. Many emotions flow through my blurry eyes as I feel tears rolling down my face. I’ve not lived a healthy life, I’ve not been one of the acceptable people. Now I’m going to die…die alone. Slowly hopelessness gives way to darkness. I merely lie here thinking about how meaningless my life has been. Now feeling how worthless I’ve been in life…overcome with grief I slowly give into the idea of death. As the coldness and pain begin to fade a feeling of weakness overtakes me. Would it be so bad? No one wants me here anyway. I can feel my vitals weakening as breathing becomes too hard…I can feel my pulse slowly fade…I gasp slowly as the darkness begins to close over me…SHOCKED – something is different…what is happening now?
Then I think I hear voices. I try to focus, I can’t see it’s so blurry…is someone there? I feel myself being pulled out of the water. I have a feeling warmth…maybe a blanket? Am I dreaming…is this another hallucination? I hear someone trying to speak with me. It is very faint. I can just make it out, “Please try to stay awake. You are very weak. We are giving you an IV. Can you speak?” I feel like passing out unable to answer. I can just see him looking at me, “Do you know how long you have been here?” Still, I was unable to answer and felt like I was going to be sick. I just see him as he shook his head, “It’s okay we have you now. Just try to stay awake.” I fade in and out of consciousness, as I feel like I’m flying in the air then felt like I was rolling on a surface…I see shelves and instruments all around…I must be in an ambulance. Again, everything goes dark…my eyes open, I was moving through a corridor as I see the lights flicker as each one passes by. Then darkness…as I open my eyes, they are treating me…I can slowly feel life reentering my body as my strength seems to come back…I feel exhausted, but it’s different…I can tell I’m more alert. I…I made it…I’M ALIVE! Thank you, God,…thank you, as I begin to cry uncontrollably. I feel nurses trying to comfort me…as they say “You’re okay now…welcome back.”
All things come with a price as along with the mentally rejoicing I was feeling came sharp excruciating pain. As I gain strength becoming more coherent, I’ll never forget them having to scrap my skin through several layers to clean and rejuvenate my body. For the first time in a long while, I hear myself scream out as I nearly fainted from the excruciating pain. I found out later…everyone listened to that scream. As I look back, this was one of the most painful experiences I have ever endured. A day later my dad and brother came to see me in the hospital. They brought my clothing and some snacks to eat. Recuperating in the hospital gave me time to think as I looked back over this experience. God was the reason, I am still alive. I am an addict and continue to struggle with drug addiction. I hope telling my story will help convince others to stay away from drugs as it leads to a harrowing dark place…one from which you may never return.
Final thoughts:
I wish to thank this person for sharing their story with me. It is not easy to share difficult and tragic times in our life. He fought through a challenge and with the help of a blessing came out on the other side. The world always tells us that we are not good enough. The world may put you down saying you are never going to be good enough. The world causes you to reflect on your past showing you all reasons you’re not good enough. This causes emotional struggles with loneliness and anxiety. Leading to self-rejection and feelings of despair. Do not let the world define you. This is a powerful weapon used by the darkness you feel. Do not listen to its deceptive lies. Don’t allow the darkness to prevail or overtake you. There is more for you too than what the world considers.
Remember, we are all spiritual beings. We all have souls. Look to exercise your spirit. Do not allow the world to dictate who you are. God made you free, to become responsive to all that is around you. We have a purpose in this universe to be healthy, joyful in life and productive people encourage one another. Take another path, one with fulfillment, unconditional love, and most of all joy.
“That soft little voice…speaks to the heart. Prayer and solitude are ways to listen to the voice that speaks to our heart, in the center of our being. One of the most amazing things is that if you enter deeper and deeper into that place, you not only meet God, but you meet the whole world there.”
– Henri Nouwen
Be uplifted and know you are worthy.
*These stories and accounts are true human experiences (names are changed if used in the storytelling).